


He Shall, from Time to Time...

by stefwith1f



Category: The Thrilling Adventure Hour
Genre: Screenplay/Script Format, Sparks Nevada: Marshal on Mars, The Cross-Time Adventures of Colonel Tick-Tock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-06-18
Packaged: 2018-02-05 03:32:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1803739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stefwith1f/pseuds/stefwith1f
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An assignment sends Colonel Tick-Tock to the red plains of the fourth planet. After all, Her Majesty's Royal Chrono Patrol stands guard over all of time ... and space.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Shall, from Time to Time...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ahab](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahab/gifts).



  
HAL  
And now, Patriot Brand Cigarettes begrudgingly presents that _least_ American of entertainments: The Cross-Time Adventures of Colonel Tick-Tock!

BRITISH ANNOUNCER  
The past. The present. The future. These elements make up time as we know it, but time as we know it is under peril. 

The timeline is under constant siege by anomalies like Mid-Season Replacement, Mementoism, and Extemporaneous Breaching, enemies of chronological order like The Non-Newtonian, Resrever Emit, and Daylight Saving Tim, as well as natural disasters such as Memory Floods, Innerspace Infections, and Time Brimps.

[♫ ORCH - VAMP TO THEME ♫]

Only Her Majesty's Chronological Patrol stands between time stability and utter chaos. And one man is the pride of the Royal Chrono Patrol. 

Standing sentry over every century, armed with his trick clock and his sense of duty, he makes history happen on schedule! His name is Colonel Tick-Tock!

[♫ THEME ♫]

TICK-TOCK  
Ah, Macedonia! So very lovely this time of year. 

ALEXANDER  
Colonel! Right on time, as always.

TICK-TOCK  
Well, it _is_ kind of my whole thing. Alexander the Great, how wonderful to see you again. 

ALEXANDER  
And you, my dear friend. What's your pleasure this day? Philosophical discussion? A storytelling game, perhaps? Would you care to see the war chest? It's swelled ... considerably since your last visit. 

TICK-TOCK  
Enticing offers, all ... 

ALEXANDER  
Oh! Just one moment, there's someone who'd love to see you.

HEPHAESTION  
Colonel Tick-Tock. 

TICK-TOCK  
Oh. Hello, Hephaestion. 

ALEXANDER  
Good, you've met! I couldn't remember if I had introduced you before. 

HEPHAESTION  
Indeed you did, sir. The Colonel and I very nearly became excellent friends on the occasion of his last _two_ visits.

TICK-TOCK  
Sadly, I was called away before our friendship could truly ... blossom. 

HEPHAESTION  
Both times.

TICK-TOCK  
It happens a lot. 

ALEXANDER  
More's the pity for you, dear friend Hephaestion. I've found the bloom of our dear Colonel's friendship quite special. A friendship with him, by you, comes highly recommended. By me. 

HEPHAESTION  
Does it?

TICK-TOCK  
What ... exactly is happening right now? 

ALEXANDER  
My two dear companions. Together. What could make a man happier? With, of course, the possible exception of sharing in that new friendship. 

TICK-TOCK  
So. The three of us...

HEPHAESTION  
That's an idea. 

ALEXANDER  
I certainly thought so.

TICK-TOCK  
Just, if I could _clarify_ one or ... several things...

[TRICK CLOCK "RULE BRITANNIA" SFX]

TRICK CLOCK  
Colonel, I have an incoming communication from Queen Victoria.

TICK-TOCK  
I'm not sure you do. I didn't hear a thing.

TRICK CLOCK  
You clearly heard me say I had an incoming communication.

TICK-TOCK  
Of course. Her Majesty's timing is vexingly impeccable! Still: I serve at the pleasure of the crown. 

HEPHAESTION  
But what of _your_ pleasure, Colonel?

TICK-TOCK  
Do stop talking for _just_ a moment, good Hephaestion. I have but the _most_ -strained grasp on my composure.  
Trick Clock, activate holographic interface. 

[♫ ORCH - "RULE BRITANNIA" ♫]

QUEEN VICTORIA  
Helloooooooo, Colonel Tick-Tock! We _do_ hope we're not interrupting you. We can come back earlier...

TICK-TOCK  
No worries at all, Your Majesty. I take it by your presence I'm needed urgently elsewhen. 

QUEEN VICTORIA  
Afraid so, dear boy. A Time Crevasse has been observed opening in an apple orchard in New Hampshire in the late 1830s.

HEPHAESTION  
Is cross-temporal apple theft a _very_ large problem in the future? 

ALEXANDER  
Hush. I want to find out more about these Hampshires.

HEPHAESTION  
The New- one sounds awfully crevasse-y. 

ALEXANDER  
Perhaps the old one's conquerable...

QUEEN VICTORIA  
One warns you against making advances on what's one's. 

ALEXANDER  
But I'm _so_ good at it.

QUEEN VICTORIA  
What ever do you mean?

TICK-TOCK  
Nothing, I'm sure, Your Majesty! You two should get along famously! You're both equally adept at orchestrating violent takeovers of countries whose only flaw is just how not-yet-ruled-by- _you_ they are!

ALEXANDER / QUEEN VICTORIA  
Flatterer. / Oh, _you._

HEPHAESTION  
Good save.

QUEEN VICTORIA  
Our boys have worked out the source of the crevasse, and we're afraid the entities responsible may prove a challenge, Colonel. It won't be as simple as popping into the garden with some Time Caulk. 

TICK-TOCK  
Would that it ever _was_. 

QUEEN VICTORIA  
We shall send the coordinates to your Trick Clock. Do take care, Colonel Tick-Tock. Constance will never forgive one if something were to happen. 

ALEXANDER  
You could order her to forgive you.

QUEEN VICTORIA  
Ooh, one supposes we could. 

TICK-TOCK  
Nothing will happen that cannot be undone. 

QUEEN VICTORIA  
Good day to you, Alexander, and good day to your ... very handsome friend. 

HEPHAESTION  
M'lady.

QUEEN VICTORIA  
[Trill of laughter]  
Best of luck, Colonel Tick-Tock.

TRICK CLOCK  
End communication. Receiving coordinates...

HEPHAESTION  
Do you think you'll see your way back to us, Colonel? 

ALEXANDER  
We cannot promise you we'll wait patiently. I've armies to build, and others to vanquish.

HEPHAESTION  
You could be back before you were even gone.

TICK-TOCK  
Oh, you're too clever by half, Hephaestion. 

TRICK CLOCK  
Coordinates set. Opening time hole.

TICK-TOCK  
I'll do my level best to return forthwith, just as soon as I right whatever outlaw wrongs exist in ... Trick Clock, where _are_ we going?

TRICK CLOCK  
Mars, Colonel. 

[TIME HOLE SFX]

SPARKS  
...and that's why I want to double up patrols in that sector. I ain't all the way sure what's going on, but we sure ain't gonna' figure it out thinkin' on it here in my office. 

CROACH  
I have not yet detected any unusual influence in that area, or evidence that anything is in fact going on.

SPARKS  
Yeah, but ... wait, you don't feel ooked out over there?

CROACH  
I cannot say that I have ever felt, with any of my many ... many senses-

SPARKS  
Oh, is it like twenty-eight senses? You haven't mentioned them at all. Ever.

CROACH  
-I have not once experienced a sensation of ooked outedness. 

SPARKS  
All right, well, then I got one up on you this time, because something ain't right, and I'm fixin' t-

CROACH  
Please, Sparks Nevada. Cease speaking for a moment. Something has just made a small hole in the fabric of G'loot Praktaw's timescape.

SPARKS  
We got a timescape now? And hey! See? I was right. 

CROACH  
No, Sparks Nevada. This intruder is newly arrived. If I am interpreting the markers in the air correctly - as I am - 

SPARKS  
What, no waaay.

CROACH  
We will find this visitor somewhere in town. Somewhere....

[TIME HOLE SFX]

SPARKS  
Huh. Wonder where they could _possibly_ be.  
Stop right there, fella'. 

CROACH  
Bagropa. My senses of space, time, and space-time are not functioning as they should. 

TICK-TOCK  
Hello, darlings! At _ease._  
Colonel Tick-Tock here, reporting to lend an intragalactic hand, don't you know?

SPARKS  
An intragalac... hm. I don't suppose you got like, ID, or...

TICK-TOCK  
I'll just pass my credentials over to this blue-hued fellow. 

CROACH  
Co-lo-nel ... chrono-patrol ... pip ... an additional pip. This all appears to be in order, Sparks Nevada.

SPARKS  
Good. That's the who sorted, let's work on the _why_ of ya'.

TICK-TOCK  
I'm sure you've noticed the disturbances coming from just above your atmosphere. I've stopped by to help quash the menace before it undoes the whole of mankind's space travel history! 

SPARKS  
Knew it.  
Wait, I'm sorry, what?

TICK-TOCK  
Some sort of scientifically-focused alien species, darling! They're digging the damnedest little trenches in time. 

SPARKS  
Ugh. Science Aliens. I knew I shoulda' been suspicious of them not showing up for so long. 

CROACH  
Co-lo-nel Tick-Tock -

SPARKS  
It's "Colonel," Croach, you just heard him say it...

CROACH  
I am Croach the Tracker, and this is Sparks Nevada. You are most welcome here, and I am- we are glad to have your assistance.  

SPARKS  
Well, hang on. I ain't bein' rude but for self-preservation. See, we don't have a stellar track record with mysterious, let's say "lively," fellas showing up out of nowhere. 

CROACH  
I must beg to differ, Sparks Nevada. Our track record has in fact been perfect.

SPARKS  
In that every instance has registered about the same level of _not good at all_?

CROACH  
It is a consistent outcome. 

SPARKS  
All right, still, buddy, whatever planet or galaxy you're from, we ain't buyin'.

TICK-TOCK  
I'm from Earth, darling.

SPARKS  
Like I been sayi- hang on: Earth?

TICK-TOCK  
The very same as you, Sparks Nevada. I'm from your world, from your past, and I'm here to help save my future, which is your present. 

SPARKS  
You're from Earth's past.

TICK-TOCK  
I serve in Her Majesty, Queen Victoria's Royal Chrono-Patrol.

SPARKS  
So like the ... way past.  
And you got to Mars...?

TICK-TOCK  
My Trick Clock provides me dominion over time _and_ space, darling.

SPARKS  
Could do with less of the "darling."

CROACH  
This is all very exciting. 

SPARKS  
Ok. How exactly does slapping around some Science Aliens _now_ change a thing in the past what would effect ... I'm sorry, I am pickin' up _none_ of this.

TICK-TOCK  
There's no time to explain!

SPARKS  
Bettin' you can find some. Dominion over it, and all.

TICK-TOCK  
It's simple. All we must do is _stop_ the Science Aliens from amending the fabric of time in such a way that would preclude human space travel from ever beginning!

SPARKS  
We don't even ... we're _sure_ that's happening?

TICK-TOCK  
I am! Time travel, darling!

SPARKS  
That's not ... maybe the _great_ answer you think it is.

TICK-TOCK  
The past will be saved. 

SPARKS  
Sure.  
...How?

CROACH  
Sparks Nevada, you act as if we have never experienced time travel.

TICK-TOCK  
Ripples in the water travel in _all_ directions, Marshal Nevada!

SPARKS  
...anyone else care this don't make sense?

CROACH  
You could show the Co-lo-nel some respect.

SPARKS  
's "Colonel."

CROACH  
I am designating him Co-lo-nel.

TICK-TOCK  
Ah, the pair of you. Is friendship not grand?

SPARKS / CROACH  
No, we ain't - stop. / Indeed. Our bond is real.

TICK-TOCK  
No need to be coy. I know the true look of companionship when I see it. 

DOORS  
The marshal's station doors are open.

TRICK CLOCK  
Well, hello there.

DOORS  
Hello.  
I'm not really into timepieces.

SPARKS  
Yikes. Clock-blocked. 

FELTON  
Marshal! Marshal! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...llo fella' what looks just like me.  
Marshal?  
[Whispered]  
 _Haaaaaalp._

SPARKS  
Felton, this is Colonel Tick-Tock, here to help us fix some kinda' space-time problems owin' to some Science Aliens doing some mischief. Colonel Tick-Tock, this is Felton. Here to ... ask for assistance, I guess. As per usual.

TICK-TOCK  
Enchanté, you handsome devil.

FELTON  
Likewise! I always wanted to grow a very large mustache, but was not sure how it would look! And now I know - it would look terrific!

CROACH  
It is majestic.

SPARKS  
Felton, you had some sorta' problem needed runnin' in and shoutin' about?

FELTON  
I did! I think those very same Science Aliens done landed at my house just now!

TICK-TOCK  
Wonderful! This will narrow our search considerably!

SPARKS  
Felton, you ever ... you ever consider moving?

FELTON  
Why would I do that?

SPARKS  
Just seems like a lot of trouble lands ... in the general vicinity of ... your place. Some might mind.

FELTON  
I do not; it gives me somethin' to do!

TICK-TOCK  
Shall we away to yours, then, new friend Felton?

SPARKS  
Yeah, let's go put a stop to this before folks start blinkin' out of existence, right Croach?

CROACH  
I remain by your side as a matter of onus.

SPARKS  
Sure but also the ... not blinking out of existence ... part.

CROACH  
Negating the advent of human space travel would effect my people very little, Sparks Nevada.  
I, for one, would not be compromised by the human "feelings" to which I have been exposed. 

SPARKS  
Oh, ok, sure. I see.

CROACH  
I might have younglings already. 

SPARKS  
Buddy, I ain't keeping you from younglings.

CROACH  
Most likely I would not have died, that time. 

SPARKS  
All right, well. You do what you need to, but the rest of us are going to go stop Science Aliens from ... sciencing me out of a job.

CROACH  
I am under onus to you. Though I would not be, if the Science Aliens' plan was successful. 

SPARKS  
Ok, you know what?  
Doors, lock up behind us. 

[♫ ORCH - INTERSTITIAL ADVENTUREY MUSIC ♫]

TICK-TOCK  
I see them there! Aliens! What an adventure this is!

SPARKS  
Yeah, they're right pesky. Felton, you go on inside and stay put.  
Hey. HEY. Science jerks.

SCIENCE ALIEN #1  
You're too late, Sparks Nevada! Our experiment has already begun!

CROACH  
This is your experiment?

SCIENCE ALIEN #2  
Our time shears will allow us to go back and prevent humans from ever perfecting space travel, therefore preventing _Sparks Nevada_ from endangering all of our important scientific research!

SCIENCE ALIEN #1  
You have thwarted the cause of science for the last time!

SPARKS  
Beg to differ. Reckon I'm full of thwart.

TICK-TOCK  
The fabric of time is not one to be trimmed and tapered to your needs, you adorable monsters!

SCIENCE ALIEN #1  
That is _your_ hypothesis.

SCIENCE ALIEN #2  
And we fully support you researching it, experimenting, and then drawing a conclusion in light of the data gleaned. 

CROACH  
Because ... science?

SCIENCE ALIEN #1  
Because science! 

TICK-TOCK  
Science must act alongside history, darlings. If your experiments aren't successful, you rework the hypothesis. You revisit the research. You don't change the universe to _make_ them successful. That's not cricket, and that's _not_ science.

SPARKS  
Yeah, and also ... you're _super_ under arrest.

[CLANKING METAL SFX]

SCIENCE ALIEN #2  
Noooo! This is exactly the kind of thwarting we wanted to avoid.

SPARKS  
You'll have plenty of time to rework your whatnots after you're transferred to an Intergalactic prison. Messin' with time don't carry a light sentence.  
Croach, head on back to the station and lock these two up. Go on and radio USSA HQ to schedule a pickup, too.

CROACH  
I will do this to repay my onus. Which I guess will be sticking around. 

SPARKS  
Yeah, real sorry about how you gotta' keep knowin' me. 

TICK-TOCK  
Well, Marshal Nevada, my work is done. I must dash.

SPARKS  
Hold on, what about the time - whatever they did to mess up time? 

TICK-TOCK  
Chrono-patrol specialists are already patching up the damage done to the timeline. The universe shan't even bear a scar. 

SPARKS  
Well, it was real good of you to stop by. We woulda' figured it out eventually, but ... still. Always appreciate a good assist.

TICK-TOCK  
It's my life's work and my sincere pleasure. Do tell Croach I said goodbye, would you? 

SPARKS  
I'll say it at him. Can't guarantee he'll be receptive to listenin'.

TICK-TOCK  
All that bickering banter does nothing to hide how much you really mean to one another. 

SPARKS  
You sure? Cuz...

TICK-TOCK  
Take care, Sparks Nevada. I'm due in ancient Greece. Trick Clock, set a return course.

SPARKS  
Oh yeah? More time trouble?

TRICK CLOCK  
Time hole engaged. 

TICK-TOCK  
Not at all, dear man. I'm taking some time ... for myself. 

FOLKSY HAL  
Is this the end of Sparks Nevada's adventures in time? Follow-up question: how did I get here?  
I do not think I introduced this segment. 

SPARKS  
Time travel, I bet. That’s goin' around. Apparently.

FOLKSY HAL  
We'll find out together in the next thrilling adventure of Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars!  



End file.
